


Things You Said When You Were Scared

by TheImmortalThiefLord



Series: Things You Said [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-31
Updated: 2016-08-31
Packaged: 2018-08-12 06:28:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7924114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheImmortalThiefLord/pseuds/TheImmortalThiefLord
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke's constant fear for Octavia becomes too much; and she leaves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Things You Said When You Were Scared

**Author's Note:**

> Octavia struggling with BPD; trigger warning

Clarke returns home the first time to find bandages on Octavia's thin wrists. The second time it's because Octavia called her and told her she needed her, right then, and she couldn't make it anymore.

The third time Clarke was called wasn't by Octavia. It was her mother, informing her that Octavia had just taken all of her prescription pills and was being taken to the hospital in an ambulance. Octavia made it home the next morning, put on bed rest and assigned someone to watch her.

Clarke wasn't even surprised the next time she was called, just terrified. Octavia didn't wake up for almost forty hours.

The fifth time Clarke was called home from a business trip she quit. Packed up her things and left Octavia standing in the driveway, sobbing and begging Clarke not to leave. When Clarke turned the corner and could no longer see Octavia and the house, she stopped her car and broke into tears. She loved the little girl, four years her junior, who bakes cakes and ate most of the batter before it was in the pan, who showed up at Clarke's office one day covered in paint to take her out to supper, the girl who cried when the next-door neighbor's dog died. 

That wasn't the last time Clarke left Octavia. It happened again, and again, and again. Over and over Clarke would return to Octavia, the stress would become to much, and she would pack up her things and leave again.

Bellamy watched all of this with concern, but both Octavia and Clarke told him to stay out. But when Clarke showed up at his door with a bottle of wine and fresh tears, he knew it was time to do something.

Bellamy sat Clarke down on the couch and went to make her a cup of tea. He replaced her wine bottle with the warm drink, and covered Clarke in the blue blanket on the back of his couch. Then he sat down next to her, raised the wine bottle to his lips, and listened to her talk.

"I can't do this anymore Bel, I can't! I love her so much, and it hurts me to see her hurting like this. I want to help her, to make her see how beautiful life is. I didn't expect that being with her would suddenly cure her or anything, but I thought it'd help. I thought she'd maybe have something to live for, someone to fight for. I really thought that I could help her, but it doesn't help her at all. She keeps saying how guilty she feels, being such a burden to me. She says so often how she should just kill herself and save me having to worry about her. Sometimes she'll start telling me what is happening to her, how much she hurts, but then she just stops herself in the middle of talking. And she says how selfish she's being, talking about herself all the time and making me worry.

"And Bel, her moods are so sudden, one second she'll be laughing and dancing and the next she'll be hurting again, Bel, I can see her hurting, it's written all over her face. It's like I'm there, but at the same time I'm a hundred miles away. There's nothing I can do for her. Nothing. And it hurts more than the rest of this put together."

Bellamy is quiet for a moment, thinking about all of this. He reaches over and pulls Clarke over to him, he wraps his arms around her and holds her. She cries into his shirt, crying until she can't anymore. Then she sits up and wipes her eyes, waiting for Bellamy to say something.

"Look, Clarke," Bellamy takes Clarke's hand, "Octavia is her own person. She wants to be independent, and she wants to figure out the world on her own. She's in the middle of college, and probably stressed as hell. But let me tell you something about my little sister. If there's one thing she needs more than anything, it's you. She might not show it very well, but she really depends on you a lot Clarke, and she listens to you.

"I know it doesn't seem like you can do anything to help her, but that's not true. You can be there for her, encourage her, show her that she is strong enough to do it. You can encourage her to go to therapy every week. You can help her open up more about her feelings, reassure her when she feels worthless. It'll take a while, Clarke. She's a stubborn girl, but you know her almost as well as I do. If there's anyone she'll listen to Clarke, it's you. She loves you."

"And I love her, Bel! I love her so much it hurts. I love her."

"Then show her."

 

* * *

Clarke goes home that day with a little more hope in her heart. She goes to Octavia's house, let's herself in with the key that is always taped under the door-handle, and finds Octavia curled up by herself on a living-room chair. Clarke can't tell if she's sleeping or not, but she decides not to disturb her. She goes into the bedroom to find it a complete disaster. Octavia has always been a slightly haphazard person, but she liked to keep her room tidy at least. 

Clarke makes herself busy, folding clothes and putting them away, sorting laundry and putting in a load, picking up stray dishes and dirty glasses half full from around the big double bed. She hums to herself quietly while she works, songs that she and Octavia used to dance to all the time. Then she makes the bed with extra pillows, folds down the comforter, and turns a nightlight that she found buried in the back of the closet.

Quietly she tiptoes into the living-room, where Octavia hasn't stirred from her chair. Clarke goes to her, placing her hands on Octavia's thin shoulders. Clarke wonders how much the small girl weighs, probably not very much right now.

Octavia moves, ever so slightly, letting Clarke know that she is awake. Without a word, Clarke takes her hand and leads her into the bedroom, tucking her in and climbing next to her. She plays with Octavia's long, chestnut hair, smoothing it away from her face, soothing the girl.

It's been two months since Clarke last saw her.

The next morning Clarke slips out of bed and goes into the kitchen. She digs until she finds some instant coffee, smelling it to make sure it's okay. She makes two cups, putting one in the warmer until Octavia is up. Then Clarke busies herself cleaning the kitchen. She washes every dish and dries them, putting them away in the cupboards. She scrubs the table and places a vase of lilies in the middle. Then she does the same for every other room in the house, cleaning and organizing, wiping dust and mold, sweeping floors and scrubbing windows until they sparkled. 

When Octavia finally woke up she looked around the house without comment. But Clarke could see it in her eyes. There was a glimmer of hope there.  
It took two months for Clarke to persuade Octavia to let her move back in. Clarke slept on the couch for another two before Octavia let her back in her warm bed, letting them hold each other at night. Every day Clarke told Octavia how much she loved her, how she would never leave again.

It took a while before Octavia was willing to go to therapy, but when she finally did, she came home with an armful of projects to do, and a small smile on her face. 

The following months were not easy for either girl. Octavia still woke up every night with nightmares screaming, not letting Clarke hold her or comfort her. She couldn't always control her urges, and there were more hospital visits. But whenever she got home from the hospital, there was Clarke, her beautiful girlfriend. It can't be said that Clarke never doubted herself, but she fought through the doubt and was there for Octavia.

And years later, when Clarke began to show the first signs of pregnancy, Octavia held her hand proudly as they waited excitedly to bring a new child into the world. Octavia still had her bad days, weeks even; she was still on medications, still slipped up every once in a while. But she no longer doubted that Clarke would be there for her. She knew they were in it for better or worse.


End file.
